To inaugurate this most prestigious occasion, in which I’m not quite sure what prestigious means, let’s pit two of the most popular heroes from Marvel and DC’s pantheon in a head to head death match, to the death.

In the Yellow and Brown corner is…Wolverine!

• Name: Wolverine AKA Logan AKA James Howlett AKA The short dude who says bub a lot AKA Wayne Gretzky.
• Age: Old enough to be Larry King’s grandson.
• Height: Extremely short, unless an artist forgets this. In which case he’s about 7’4.
• Powers: Mutant healing factor making him immortal. Adamantium claws making him essentially a robot. Fierce scowl making him America’s next top model.
• Pros: Tears people apart for little to no reason. Can never die, and has kicked Death’s ass for trying. Expert martial artist, who has such a fierce scowl.
• Cons: Extremely short, emotional, and Canadian.

And in the Black and Gray corner is…Batman!

• Name: Batman AKA ‘The’ Batman AKA Bruce Wayne AKA Matches Malone AKA Did you not read the last one?
• Age: Eternally mid-30′s.
• Height: Whatever Superman’s height it.
• Powers: Can do, like, so many push-ups. A world class detective. Has the uncanny ability to have planned for every contingency, no matter how many random coincidences come up. A fierce scowl making him Wolverine’s #1 rival.
• Pros: Is practically clairvoyant. Can do sit-ups. Kind of a jackass, but has a heart of gold (just like House!). Can do a roundhouse kick with the best of ‘em. Shit ton of money. Scowl, baby.
• Cons: Possibly a pedophile. Just a dude who works out, really. Is currently stuck in time, like Scott Bakula and last season of Lost.

It Begins!

For a match like this to even happen, these two titans must somehow meet to begin with. I’d go through some fantastical scenario about cross-dimensional villainy hell bent on merging the universes into an uber-villainous one that eventually leads to the encounter, but because they’re just comic characters I’ll settle with they walked into a bar one night.

This makes more sense than most comics, anyhow.

So Wolverine’s downing his favourite lager, the sweet nectar that is Canada’s Moosehead Light. Just minding his own damned business, which he is the best at. The Leafs game is on the tube so you know not to mess with this Canadian.

In from the rain comes a cloaked figure. Wolverine doesn’t give the figure a second thought, as he was too mesmerized by the Leafs’ rare 5 on 1 powerplay that was taking place. Rare in that it wasn’t allowed by the rulebooks, but was happening anyways. This cloaked figure revealed himself to be none other than The Batman, Gotham’s fearsome caped crusader. Plopping down next to Wolverine, Batman orders up a drink only he can sport with any authority – an appletini. Even Batman needed a minor respite from sewers and dark alleys. Preferably a sweet glass of sugary respite.

Wolverine noticed this, but he didn’t have time to care. The Leafs somehow let in seven goals during that powerplay, which is just as impossible as the powerplay itself. But it was the Leafs, afterall.

Nearly stupid enough to encapsulate how bad the Maple Leafs' are.

“Change the channel. Dancing With the Stars is on,” said Batman, in a gravelly voice. The bartender made his way to the dial, as this was an old TV.

“I don’t think so, bub,” snapped Wolverine, in a gravelly voice. The bartender stopped mid-twist. He knew something was about to go down, so he quietly exited.

“The NHL is a dying league,” rubutted Batman, in a gravelly voice.

“The only thing dying is you, bub,” threatened Wolverine, in a voice surprisingly pleasant.  Both men stood in silence, scowls scowling. “Damn the sweet flow of Moosehead Light.”

“The Leafs are a dead end team, get over it,” said Batman, muscles tensing. Ready to pounce.

“Leafs Nation is the best at what they do, and what they do ain’t pretty, bub,” declared Wolverine, voice once again gravelly.

“No shit Sherlock. Maybe you outta switch over to Montre-” and Wolverine was on top of Batman before he could finish. Which was rather rude. With the expert Judo skills he learned from the greatest Japanese masters who were taught by himself when he was stuck in time, Batman hurled the laughably small and hairy man off of him. Despite being petite, Wolverine must have been three hundred pounds. Batman instinctively knew this man had adamantium lining his skeletal structure, despite adamantium not existing in the DC universe. How? Because he’s fucking Batman.

Wolverine spun onto his feet before landing, balling up both fists in a dashing, though strategically useless, pose. His claws erupted from his knuckles. Blood and tendons sprang forth from the open wounds before they healed.

“The hell? You okay there? That’s nasty,” asked Batman with concern.

“Don’t worry, it happens,” assured Wolverine. “Thanks for the concern, though. It’s refreshing to fight a nice guy once in awhile.”

“No, it was just pity for a Leafs fa-” and Wolverine was upon him again. Biting and clawing and kicking and what may have been a bit of farting. Batman could barely dodge the barrage, throwing chairs and bar patrons in the mad beast’s path. Despite being bulletproof, this little man’s claws still tore through Batman’s suit. He knew he should have worn the claw-proofed suit that night. He really should get onto making a suit resistant to both at once.

Wolverine was surprised how lithe this man was, despite wearing a ridiculous costume. Batman subconsciously called Wolverine the pot. Wolverine’s subconscious didn’t know what that meant. Batman’s subconscious called Wolverine’s costume the Leafs of the costuming worl- and Wolverine’s subconscious was on him!

The battle had transgressed past the mere physical, into the realm of the, er, non-physical! Muscle’s collided, psyches clashed. The battle was toe to toe, despite Wolverine having superior strength and reflexes. How this could be can be debated later. Batman always fights equally against his foes, despite having no powers in the least beyond the power of heart.

The bar was in ruins, the Moosehead Light flowed like a river from its destroyed barrows (yes, barrows). Neon signs dangled, bar stools stuck to the ceiling. A lone chandelier wondered what the fuck it was doing in a bar. If there ever was a God, he slept that night. The two men were exhausted. They knew one wrong move was enough to end them. Wolverine cinched left, his knees bending. Batman inched right, his left hand reaching for his last Batarang. The tension in the air was tangible, like the stench that encapsulates Amy Winehouse.

Just as both men began to make what could be their last moves, a voice from the back echoed out.

“And there it is folks, the Leafs have lost yet another game. The final tally? 13 to 2. The most depressing thing about this most atrocious of butt-kickings is that it comes as no surprise. Good night everyone.”

An inspiration to us all.

Wolverine was stunned into paralysis, the only movement a single tear shed from his right eye. Never letting a chance slip by, except for all those times he let the Joker live because of a rather idiotic no-kill policy despite realizing the Joker was the worst human alive, Batman soundly roundhouse kicked Wolverine, knocking the man into submission. Pointing to the air in thanks to Chuck Norris, Batman finished his appletini and left the bar.

Wolverine laid there defeated, devastated and utterly ruined. Much like the Leafs.

And then Wolverine exploded.

Admittedly I was a bit disappointed they didn’t hire an actual red head for the role, but damn I doubt very many women out there can look this good in whatever colour hair. Now, if only I can hear what her accent sounds like.

And here’s a very small image of her crawling all sexy and assassin like taken from EW. God, I wish real super-spies were like this. Not the unassuming, unrecognizable people they actually are (and should be).

A few more images from Iron Man 2 (though the others don’t have Scarlett and are old) can be found at Yahoo!

You can nurse me anytime.

Earlier today Marvel extravagantly announced Natalie Preteen Assassin Portman will be playing Thor’s human love interest Jane Foster, which is weird because I had thought this was going to be a more Norse-centric story.

I guess I was wrong.

I’m a fan of Portman’s earlier work. Well, I was a fan of her in Leon The Professional. Well, I liked Jean Reno. And she was standing next to him a lot, so I guess I liked her second hand. Don’t much like her work elsewhere (Star Wars prequels and whatever the hell else she’s been in), but she sure is pretty and nurse-like, I guess.

Portman’s starring opposite Chris Hemsworth, who many won’t know as Kirk’s suiciding father in Star Trek. I guess that first five minutes was strong enough to land him a role in a $100+ (BIG ‘+’) million potential blockbuster. I’m still not quite sure if the movie has the same legs as Marvel’s Iron Man or X-Men, what with it being about Asgardian gods dressed in fancy outfits saying “thee” and “thou” and “wiggeshnicker” (okay, maybe not that one).

Writes Marvel of the story – “At the center of the story is The Mighty Thor, a powerful but arrogant warrior whose reckless actions reignite an ancient war. Thor is cast down to Earth and forced to live among humans as punishment. Once here, Thor learns what it takes to be a true hero when the most dangerous villain of his world sends the darkest forces of Asgard to invade Earth.”

Sounds very…iffy. Still, I love the character in the comics and at the very least diehard fans will come out in droves to see this.

Also iffy is Kenneth Branagh directing the movie. I hate the guy, mainly because I was forced to watch every fucking movie he’s made during high school English classes. I can’t equate him with anything other than Shakespeare and I despise him uncompromisingly and unjustifiably.

The movie comes out May 20th, 2011 which is only a few scant months before Marvel’s other summer tentpole, Captain America.

Courtesy of Aintitcool

Eh, close enough.

Well, it seems the dust finally settled and my third favourite comic hero (behind Batman and Booster Gold) is…Ryan Reynolds! What? Variety reports it’s a done deal and that I should fucking get over it.

In not so many personally targeted words.

I thought for sure the studio had settled on Cooper, especially after weeks of news tidbits all but having him name his first born Hal. I guess this is less shocking, and more of a “wuh?” moment. But what’s done is done, and Van Wilder is our next (well, first) big screen Green Lantern.

It’s not all bad. It could’ve been Justin Trimberlake, the other front runner, after all. At least in Reynolds you have someone who likes being in comic book movies (he was Hannibal King in Blade…III- sorry, just threw up there – and Deadpool in Wolverine Or…oh god. At least Deapool will be good, right? Man, this bracketed aside just got too long). He’s definitely got the body for playing the all American superstud (despite being all Canadian), and hey, I think he’s funny despite what seems to be copious amounts of naysayers out there.

The movie starts shooting in January near Oa, for a 2011 release.

All in all, I still want Nathan Fillion or David Boreanez. But I’ll settle.

Do you honestly think he isn't Hal Jordan by now?

I had thought Bradley Cooper had things wrapped up, but apparently he’s only one of three finalists. THR reports that director Martin Campbell (the guy who saved Bond with Casino Royale before the series fucked up again with Quantum), producer Donald De Line and the studio executives each had differing favourites.

But really, I don’t have a doubt in my mind that Bradley Cooper has it at this point. He just came off of the huge Hangover and he’s going to be in Joe Carnahan’s A-Team. He’s one of the “it” guys in Hollywood right now, without the massive salary.

I mean, the other options are Ryan Reynolds and Justin fucking Timberlake. Reynolds has his own superhero (Deadpool. Or is it antihero?) to look after, though if he somehow get’s the role he at least already looks like a superhero physically.

Timberlake, though, is so wrong for the role it’s sickening. I like the guy whenever he’s on SNL but he doesn’t have the physical components, gravitas and, well, age to play Hal Jordan.

Another point of contention is that the movie could easily cross the $200 million budget, seeing that it’s a superhero movie on a cosmic level. But damnit, if there’s any good in the world this movie deserves the same budget as the brain dead Revenge of the Fallen.

PS, I still want the studios to hire Nathan Fillion for this, but fuck them they’re too stupid to do it. Or David Boreanez, but fuck them again for similar reasons.

Here's the movie's Hit Girl, looking nothing like the comics. Oh well.

It’s still in the air whether or not I trek on down to Comic-Con, but this is definitely an incentive to go. Matthew Vaughn plans to premier some footage of Kick-Ass and that, well, kicks ass.

A specific time hasn’t been given, but Superherohype expects it somewhere near the tail end of Thursday, July23rd.

I’ve been a fan of the comic (y’know, when it gets released every 7 years) and if Vaughn doesn’t tone anything down we’ll all be having a bloody good time in the theaters. Mark Millar’s tale isn’t exactly a literary classic, but it does lend itself to being a solid, hyper-violent action flick.

The only real problem I’m having with the movie is casting Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Red Mist. I like Plasse in the movies I’ve seen him in, but he is so far away from looking like Red Mist it isn’t even funny. But I guess he really just needs to act stoned.

Also, there’s that part with Nicholas Cage being involved as Hit Girl’s Big Daddy. Nicholas Cage is pretty much a one trick pony and I hope they don’t give him too much to do, though I’m betting that won’t be the case.

Yeeaaah.....not quite.

Holy shit

I think it’s safe to say Invincible 63 is one of, if not the, most violent comics ever published. No, not just mainstream violent. This is the kind of shocking, splintered bones, deformed faces, entrails covered violence that rarely, if ever, gets allowed. I mean, my God.

This definitely illustrates the advantages of having a creator owned series – they can go batshit crazy from time to time without worrying about whether or not it violates any kind of editorial mandate. With issue 63, Kirkman pretty much says with an exclamation that nothing is safe. There is nothing sacred and every character, even beloved series’ regulars, are just meatsacks that can be popped if hit hard enough.

More than any comic in recent memory, Kirkman’s created an atmosphere of dread so entrenched that you legitimately can’t figure out how the heroes will prevail. And Ryan Ottley…god damn man. How you continue to up the ante in comic book gore is a sight to behold each and every issue. Plus, he doesn’t skimp on depicting some rather disfiguring damage on a character you never expected to ever look like that.

Ever since the Invincible War one issue mega event, the series has pretty much been non-stop action, not relenting for even a moment to let Mark breath. Conquest, the old Viltrumite sent to subdue the planet by any mjeans necessary, is a seriously scary dude. Unless Kirkman decides to kill him off next issue, an argument can be made for him going down as one of the best villains in recent memory. Unlike someone who wastes time conniving, he’s here to get shit done and will tear apart any limbs that get in his way.

Invincible, again proving it’s one of the best, and most shocking, comic series on the stands.

I mean, holy fucking shit on a monkey’s testes, does this make the movie the most star-studded (director-wise) movie of all time? Not only that, James Cameron will be executive producing this bitch. I’ve never been sure what the hell an executive-producer does, but if James Cameron is one on a film that film will probably be alright.

I remember watching the original Heavy Metal as a kid late at night on Showtime, awed that animation could be that mature. For awhile it felt like I had gotten away with something for watching it. I’m not an avid reader of the magazine, but I do enjoy picking an issue up every now and then, and for the most part the stories are wild, sex-filled, ultra violent affairs. Just what I wanted.